and Other Utterances …

             ” Grab the Thread … “


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How is it when your mind is so full you can’t think another thought … that is when it hits? Inspiration, I mean. Inspiration of the heart. I am less than 16 hours out from an important meeting which will change the lives of generations of young people. My chance to give back as others have given to me. In the meantime, my people are passing away from me and I can’t find the thread to grasp to keep it all from unraveling. No, at a time like this, when we just lost him and now she has stage 4 cancer in her hip, her lungs, her liver … one does not think of their Self … except I can hear him in the backlogs of my mind saying, “This is some bullshit! That’s what this is! ” Heaven is passing out swear points tonight but he was always our angel so they’ll turn to cake anyway.

I try to focus and tell myself that I have no right to be angry or hurt. I held my Mam’s hand and her head while she cried after she got the news. “It’s not fair. I thought she’d have sometime after taking care of him for so long …”, that trailing off to tears again. Her hair is soft nowadays and losing only the blackness we can recall. I touch her curls and am filled with my Grandma Thomas and My Grandmother, her daughter, my Mother’s Mother they are all about me. Their arms holding me up so I can hold her. It’s not my time to cry. It’s my time to be a daughter. It’s my time to be the rock and braid her hair to whiteness.

The work is always waiting though and she pushes me away. “Go. Do. I am fine.” She is. We are. She has my sisters and my father. I gather my work about me again, the light won’t come on and I am always so far behind. There is only one of me and a million dots to connect to every day. As I unscrew the coiled contemporary contraption from the socket of my drawing lamp l am glad to see it go. What happened to light bulbs? Round glass fragile eggs which illuminated our nights. Filament~ed dragonflies you could hum to if you closed your eyes and swallowed hard once to clear your gills. I fetch one of those magical orbs from my secret stash of “What used to be” and impregnate us both with anticipation. Yet, the switch yields nothing more than the same emptiness I have been feeling since my mother got that phone call. I go through the usual human stages of denial that the modern age has asked me to abide without every convenience we have been so very spoiled by. It is automatic when your head is full and your heart is searching.

Then I stop and realize it’s not the bulb. It is the lamp itself. I am five years old again in the home my parents made. The only real place that was ever home because they were there. Her brothers. He has brought his new girlfriend home to meet his eldest sister. She has three girls of her own. She talks funny, with a deeper Southern accent than even their Missouri you’all and we all fall in love with her instantly. She has blonde bleached hair and never leaves the bedroom without her makeup on.

She and I end up somehow in the dining room with a crochet hook and yarn. “Grab the thread,” she tells me and I do. She would teach me to make my first Granny Square that night. She would teach my Grandmother to crochet and many others. I still Grab that thread when things go wrong to find the connection to what is right. To find the rhythm again. To build the fabric back into all the pieces upon the field which have frayed with time. It is an unfortunate practice in this human race not to honor and gather back to ourselves both our purest light and those who have led us to it, while they are still with us. This practice should go the way of all other destruction and violence, to the desolation of false illuminations.

© 2014 C.D.D. All Rights Reserved

16 thoughts on “and Other Utterances …

  1. This is a really nice peace one of raw divulging which you don’t see hardly nowadays. Well done

    You rebloged Pamela Anderson’s post and I though it was you and your story about MS. My heart sank. I noticed my mistake the next day and apologized to Pamela. It makes one feel lower than an ants belly. This is what I wrote thinking it was you.

    I am chagrined that you have MS. I am confident that you are making the best of it. I remember on your blog the entry about Cecil the lion whose life ended by greed of many men and my answer to the blog entry promoted you writing about being my spiritual sister. It scared me to write back from your spiritual brother and I wanted so bad to write this but I was stopped by the experience of so many that has said to me about being brothers and sisters and who created havoc in my life with my social community websites that I owned in the past. I basically closed my sites because of this. I run from the word brother and sister but I do believe we are all brothers and sisters. I remember reading my first poem of yours on your site. Well my head went for a spin at words not invented to describe your poetry. I understood the poetry. This brings me to say that I believe you are my spiritual sister. I hope you can forgive me for the hesitating. Be well my friend

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you so much. It was about loosing my Uncle Junior and Aunt Betty dear and fine people who taught me much of who I am at my core. I appreciate your willingness to absorb it 🙂

    Pamela is someone I respect a great deal. She is a warrior and a sweet and gentle soul. Immensely wise member of our human family. I have been trying to slowly offer to my followers some of those whom I follow. I hope through this others can also gain new and meaningful perspectives from them as well. She is a mentor to many on Twitter, myself included, and I wanted to bring her blog into the conversation as it is the story of her personal journey through illness and grace.

    I am your sister and I do regard you as my brother. I believe as you do that we are all spiritual siblings. I have had to close down sites before because of sibling issues as well so I can understand where you are coming from. Your hesitation is self preservation and only a natural healthy instinct. You being a sensitive makes it difficult because you love everyone and want us all to be as we are, One. Hold fast to this and never abandon it. It is the beauty of you and the preciousness which allows you to write as you do and be the one to fold when others cannot or will not.

    I think it attests to your character that you apologized to Pamela. You truly did nothing wrong. Yet, you made the effort to say something. Not everyone would have. This is evident in your writing and this is why I do think of you as a brother. Your heart and kindness resonates with me. You made me smile and I am proud, in a humble way, of you.

    Illness is not something to fear. In so many ways it and they are our teachers. Some of us learn from them and some of us simply suffer. Pamela has taken her illness and is using it for the good of all and to brighten the lives of others. It is a beautiful choice. You are a beautiful choice and you do it so well. Thank you for enriching my day by sharing this with me. Never give in and never give up on the you that is deeply cuddled in your core. It is our greatest strength.

    In Lovelight,
    Carla Dawn

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your wise and kind words. They are much appreciated and yes Pamela is courageous and as I read her in some way, I wish I had that amount of courage. She has been through a lot and she carries herself with the utmost grace of light. I am glad you shared her post with me. I am the richer listening to her words that transcends all. Do you think she will mind if I share her blog with my followers as well. I better ask her.
      Yes I feel a connection to you as well although we both feel that we are brothers and sister with everyone just the distinction of Spiritual speaks of a uniqueness. Many of our brothers and sisters are not spiritual sad to say. I too was attracted to your heart and kindness. I am amazed at all that you say and do for others. Truly a spiritual web to be admired always connecting the silk of the web to others making the web grow bigger.
      Your comment on my poem Wandering genesis as written by you: You are welcome though I share not only for kindness. I want to say to you … I share when I find gifts that are extraordinary and wishing to touch even more hearts. You are a talented writer. Own it when you are young and it will ripen to prolific seed. I did not proclaim my rarity when I was young (er). You are rare. You be well also and at peace

      Well your comment spurn me to look for a publisher and I keep getting pushed to createaspace a parent company to amazon. I can’t publish with publishers my work on wordpress as they have the status of being published and is not fresh to the eyes of the publishers hence self publishin. Sometime all we need is a key to unlock and you were that key. I want to thank you immensely for opening that door for me. Be well my friend

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am glad we are growing a beautiful community here. that is what it is all about. Caring for each other and sharing. It is not always easy yet, it is worth it in the end. 🙂 It is wonderful that you are going to publish your work. I am happy to have lent you the light to do that. If you need any help let me know I will be more than thrilled to do anything I can for you. Sendme an email at if you like. Have a beautiful Sunday. Peace

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh Thank you so much!!! It is a process. I finished the logo for the children’s books last night and I like it. I appreciate your support so much. It will have a blog soon and I will post here also. So much to do 🙂 Have a wonderful weekend. Blessings and Light

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you you are worth reading. I wrote around 1500 children’s books in the past and need to do something with them. I kept them all and some need editing while others to be upgraded. I also see you published four books. May I ask if it is self published or using a publisher? If self published is it worth it? Be well my friend

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are welcome and Thank you for the kind compliments. I would love to see you children’s books. An amazing feat !! Yes, I self published some of my poetry. I don’t believe anyone should gauge their venture into publishing by my example. I have had a difficult path and did not market my own work. I have worked for others in the past and they took all of my time and efforts. I am only now beginning to truly be able to put my whole energy behind “Self” and my personal work. As I say this, it includes the publishing company Strong Illumination Arts which I have begun. SIA is working with other artist as well for their for specific artistic purposes. Is it worth it? Always 🙂 Even if you change one life for the positive or enrich one child’s ability to be free … it is worth it ❤ … it is hard hard work and the soul will become more hungry the harder You work ! It's a bountiful beauty of a feast which can only truly be explained when you realize, as you already know, We are all One. I don't measure worth in dollars and cents. Money is a wonderful thing to use in the world to help others and move care modules for everyone. It is not however, love and peace. Worth is a personal decision in the end. I have walked away for a great deal of money in the past because it was not aligned with the Highest Good for All. I have also been given great gifts which cost almost nothing yet have someone's heart and soul in them, like this old computer I am speaking to you through my friend David built for me. You are a child of light and I can know you will be guided well.
      Brightest Blessings,
      Carla Dawn

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for your reply. I can send you a copy of my children’s book in the rough to see what you think of it. Maybe it is just a pipe dream and maybe I’m not writing for children at all the the adult child. I’m terribly new with all of this. I have six poetry books ready to go and only 4 of these are complete. How come you did not go with createspace with amazons. The rest of the pertinent questions I will email you. Be well.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You are welcome. Yes, please do. I will be happy to help you with your poetry books as well. Email me and we will talk about it more. I am slowly gathering my work together to republish it. At the moment I have so much work to keep up with I steal sleep from Morpheus himself in sweet kisses. 🙂 Not enough hours in a day … Hope to speak with you soon. Blessed day .

        Liked by 1 person

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